The Gestalt Therapy Hour

January 9, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

I would like to invite you in to the present moment: What are you aware of? What is most concernful at this moment (check inside for body processes or thoughts about past, present and future; check also outside through contacting the world through your five senses)….This is figure.

All these figures arise from your particular background, your accumulation of experiences….This is ground.

The way figure and ground hang together is a gestalt.

Check if you can detect a beginning, middle, and end to your experience toward need fulfillment….This is the contact completion cycle. According to GT, all life is cyclic: like the seasons or a human life.

As a Gestalt Therapist, I essentially help clients become aware of how they create their moments – to give them a sense that life is a continuous string of moments or gestalten and happens now.

If we stay with your moments long enough, tracking the patterns/gestalten, we would identify your conditioning and the symptoms that it creates. These symptoms can lead to problems, dissatisfaction, or a feeling of stuckness – a feeling of being stuck somewhere in the cycle of life.

What I mean by conditioning is: We have all adjusted to an imperfect world early on. These solutions or creative adjustments were established long ago are now codified, rigid, and outdated. They are the interruptions to contact to the natural rhythm and flow of life. Gestalt Therapy attempts to analyze the most recent manifestation of these gestalts/conditioning, shift them, and thereby integrate new (of lost) capacities. This is done through experience (as a way to be grounded in what is real), experiment (as a way of shifting it), and existentialism (as a way of “thought-framing” our arisings or what theme is the work being organized toward). In this process we pay attention to what amount of support is currently available and find ways of increasing it because support is necessary for completion, for integration, and for growth.

This is why Gestalt Therapy is considered a growth model. It is a shift from psychoanalysis which is linear and causal to one which is relational and process-oriented, and where the therapist is actively involved, in the dialogue, to further the growth of the client but the therapist is invariably changed, on account of being human, by the interactions as well.

What is the Enneagram?

January 8, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

The Enneagram describes nine different ways of relating to the world, one of which you made unconsciously your own. Some psychologists refer to this as identity or the “once and for all” solution to a limitation in the environment early on or to protect a specific aspect of the self that felt threatened as our personality was developing. The purpose of discovering your type is not simply to know how to better describe yourself but to transform how you relate to both yourself and the world around you so that you may live more freely as the person you were meant to be.

Personality consists of three basic components:

1) Content: the unique traits of the personality that can be described; it is what we are mostly aware of because it is what is obvious and observable. For example, tense/relaxed, optimistic/pessimistic, action-oriented/thinking-oriented.

2) Structure: makes the content show up the way it does. Each personality has its way of paying attention to what happens; it is usually unconscious but the mediating factor in what is important to us in any given moment or situation.

3) Pure Awareness: “Me” or ego is the accumulation of all of one’s psychological content along with the structures that give rise to it. Beyond ego is “I” or pure awareness. Awareness is said to be formless because it has no content and no structure. It is also said to be “Presence” – presence to oneself without which nothing else can be present.

Each Enneagram type is trying to actualize a basic desire while avoiding a basic fear and has adopted a strategy for doing so. And though it seemed to offer the best hope for completion early on, its solution is limited because it is based on the assumption that one can only be happy once the basic demand it met. But this rarely happens in life. Frustration sets in and we are, in essence, postponing our happiness when, in fact, true happiness can only be met when we transcend our characteristic strategy and allow our authentic self to emerge. The Enneagram offers direction finders for our liberation. And bringing awareness to our strategy through Gestalt Therapy’s emphasis on the awareness continuum, automatically begins the process of thinning it out.

Recommended reading: Roaming free Inside the Cage, by William Schafer, 2009

Brief Description of Our Aim

January 7, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

I got the impression that a friend of mine was struggling to understand why we embark on this courageous and sometimes arduous journey in the name of freedom. The following was my response to him:

As you relax your ego (or identify less with your personality structure), you move closer to your Authentic Self or Pure Awareness. This is Presence, Eckhart Tolle suggests, or God-consciousness. In other words, the way I explain this to people is that your personality structure is like a musical instrument with Presence or Atem (in German: breath) moving through it to create a unique sound which is you as you commonly know yourself to be.
We can get seduced into believing that we are only the music (and many wars have been fought defending this illusion) when in reality we are much more: at our deepest, we are the breath (consciousness) that moves through the instrument (our personality) to make music (the content of our lives). As I understand, that’s what Tolle is trying to convey. He urges us to cultivate a practice: meditation, yoga, prayer, awareness, etc, that will help us know who we really are since he believes (and I agree) that so much of our suffering is created when we hang on to our egoic mind sets.

In my work with people I use the Enneagram (an ancient system) to help me identify nine distinct patterns of being or personality structures. These structures are based on three existential fears: autonomy, security, and self-worth. I find that each of us is fixated on one of these areas and by working through the current manifestation of our core fear to completion (a very GT notion), we become a little less identified with our personality and more with Presence and this can be very liberating….this is how the personal (psychotherapy) moves into the transpersonal (spiritual).

Technology’s Effect on Us

January 6, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do before bed?

For many people, the answer is checking their smart phone or other device that is connected to the Internet. And it doesn’t stop there: studies show that most people check their mobile phone on average 150 times a day!

Tristan Harris, a former Google employee, design ethicist, and founder of Time Well Spent, explains that the reason why our phones are so compelling is that they are made this way by design. Just like gambling plays on the reward center of our brain, so does our phone. He goes on to describe that the mobile phone is like slot machine with the refresh feature as its lever: every time we go to our phones and refresh, we are essentially waiting eagerly for some notification. This reward system sets us up to expect a dopamine hit and this expectation, though mostly unconscious, becomes very difficult to resist. How many times have you received a notification sound, checked your phone and then been sucked down the rabbit hole, only later to regret the time wasted?

According to Mr. Harris, this is no accident. He reveals that tech companies, like Google and Apple, are exploiting this part of our brains by designing apps that garner as much of our attention as possible because this is the way we will see the advertisements that pay for these apps. The more these companies have our attention, the more money they make. He describes our current situation as an “arms race to get our attention” which has led to the “attention economy”.

So what can we do about this? First of all, it is important to acknowledge that this technology is here to stay, that it is a tool that is supposed to benefit us and help make life easier. However, it is important that we begin to regain control of our devices; otherwise we may find that our devices are controlling us!

Next, take some simple steps:

Keep your phone and computer out of your bedroom. Get an alarm clock instead. Wake up the way you want to, not the way Silicon Valley thinks you should.

Put time limits on your router at home to limit the amount of time you are tempted to stay plugged in. OpenDNS is open source and can be installed to include parental controls as well.

Move! Tech companies are in an arms race to get your attention. This means they have to ratchet up their content in such a way as to grab your attention from their competitor and this means things are getting more and more outrageous and provocative. As a result, we are feeling more and more anxious and depressed because we are in a constant state of emergency. Unplug, go outside, and move. Physical activity is one of the most effective stress-busters and being out in nature is soothing too.

Have conversations with real people. We are moving more and more to communicating in catchy sound bites. Give yourself the opportunity to sit down with someone and actually have an uninterrupted conversation about something you care about. Studies show that it takes on average more than 23 minutes to regain your concentration once you have been interrupted! Turn off your phone and give yourself the joy and fulfillment of connecting with another human being in real time.

Get involved. Join organizations like Time Well Spent to help foster awareness of this issue and to encourage tech companies to create products that are in alignment with our human values, not just the bottom line.

Like all innovations, technology is meant to improve our lives. However, if we leave its impact unexamined, we may find ourselves worse off. Let’s work together to increase our awareness of this issue. Our time, after all, is a precious thing to waste.

For more information, please visit:

‘Our minds can be hijacked’: the tech insiders who fear a smartphone dystopia | Technology | The Guardian

Waking Up with Sam Harris #71 – What is Technology Doing to Us? (with Tristan Harris)
Time Well Spent: http://www.timewellspent.io

Relationships in the Digital Age

January 5, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

In this era where love relationships may begin and end at a click of a button, I invite us to take some time to reflect on what is involved in building and then maintaining a mutually satisfying relationship. I would like to point out that the success or failure of any relationship is dependent on both people involved and this is even more evident in our love relationship.

I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves and our communities to examine (and resolve) how we interrupt ourselves, that is, to process our unprocessed pain and become cognizant of our usual patterns of being: this is our individual work. However, through dialogue with our loved one we have the opportunity to become more aware of how and when we aren’t present as well as to know ourselves more deeply through the honest feedback from the other. This kind of interaction is considered growthful after all, as our perspectives broaden to include what is new and useful through genuine contact.

Ultimately, the success of any relationship lies in both people being committed to these tasks. Let us remember this when we feel the pain of discord and realize that through deep listening and compassionate dialogue, most ruptures in our relationships can be repaired.

Raising Empathic Children

January 4, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

The following article is based on a presentation that I attended by Dan Siegel, MD in January 2018 in Davis, California:

Parents actually wire their children’s brains because the mind is the part of us that is in relationship to others and those interactions or states of mind creates traits that last a life time!

Dr. Siegel encourages parents to help their children cultivate BRIE (Balance, Resiliency, Insight, and Empathy).

Balance:
Tune into your child’s internal state at any given moment and then sculpt their behavior. This helps them cultivate an internal compass. In addition, make sure they have enough sleep, play, connection to nature and people, time to daydream.

Example:
Child “I want ice cream now!”
Parent: “I understand that you do. However, I want you to eat a nutritious dinner first. So let’s help you decide what flavor you want, chocolate or vanilla, and then go to the store and get it so when you are done with your dinner you can have some.”

Resiliency:
Learn learn to be present (nonreactive) with your child, even when your child is dis-regulated. This helps your child learn how to hold all their emotions long enough that they eventually know what to do to honor them.

Insight:
Engage in conversation with your child so that they learn how to make meaning of the past, understand how it influences the present, and then know how to anticipate the future. This helps them make sense of life.

Empathy: EQ
Help your child know how to create a map of the other’s world by:
taking on the perspective of the other
imagining how the other is feeling
taking the time to understand them
partaking in empathic joy
cultivating compassion (sense the other’s suffering in order to do something to comfort them)

Above all, love your child not only for what they do but who they are!

And remember: There is no such thing as perfect parenting. You will make mistakes. It’s not what you do that is necessarily a problem; it’s how you handle yourself afterwards, that can make all the difference. In other words, focus on repairing ruptures when they occur.

For more information, read The Yes Brain by Dan Siegel, 2018.

Five Questions to Live By

January 3, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

Asking yourself these five questions can help you come into this moment:

What am I doing? (what is observable)
What am I experiencing? (thoughts, feelings, sensations)
What do I want? (need or desire)
What do I expect? (futurizing)
What am I avoiding? (can often be “what is”)

Keep a practice journal and begin to note the patterns you live by. Gestalt Therapy is interested in two questions: “Now” and “How”? The assumption is that structure and function influence each other. In our work together we will rely heavily on these questions as they give us a sense of the actuality of your life: the structure of your moments (your living) and its function. From there you will be able to begin to integrate what is missing and live more wholly.

These five simple questions were stressed by my teacher, Jim Doak, in 2009. I now share them with you as direction finders in your work.

Contact and Change

January 2, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

It is common knowledge in the field of psychology that pain or neurosis is imbedded in fear. Most psychotherapies attempt to identify the source of fear in the hope that by understanding it intellectually, we overcome it and then are cured. However, it is my experience that analysis and understanding alone do not necessarily evoke change because life is relationship. Kristnamurti explains it this way: “Nothing exists in isolation, and as long as the mind is seeking isolation, there must be fear…as long as thought is judging the fact as a observer, there must be fear.” He goes on to clarify that thinking creates fear through verbalizations, symbols, images, and previous knowledge projected on to the fact out of which fear then arises.

Gestalt Therapy attempts to bring the relationship by which we become fearful into focus; it takes a look at how we create our fear. It begins with the premises that much of our suffering is created in our heads, in the way we view things. However, rather than finish there, GT encourages embodiment. It asks us to “lose your mind, come to your senses” and explore the relationship between the “me” and the “not me” or that what is familiar and therefore integrated and that what is unfamiliar and strange – a bind that cannot be overcome through mere verbal or intellectual explanation, but must be experienced. As Kristnamurti says: “Now what are we afraid of? Are we afraid of a fact, or of an idea about the fact? Please see this point. Are we afraid of the thing as it is, or are we afraid of what we think it is?” Gestalt Therapy helps by encouraging us to get in direct relationship or complete communion with the fact: what feelings, sensations, and assumptions do we make about the very thing that we are afraid of? In other words, coming face to face with it allows no room for explanation. The fact is there and we deal with it…just as it is, uninterrupted, and often quite creatively! This is what it means “to be in good contact” and this the model of health in Gestalt Therapy.

Quotes from Kristnamurti’s On Love and Loneliness, 1993.

Compassion: a lasting gift

January 1, 2018March 31, 2018 ~ admin

In the Christmas season of gifting (and receiving), I can’t help but wonder if what people really need in the midst of all this stress is compassion, not only for themselves but for each other too. What I see instead is a lot of self-indulgence. So what is the difference between self-indulgence and self-compassion and why is it important?

To indulge from time to time is good, maybe even necessary, especially to balance out an extended period of work. This is often associated with play and playing can easily spur the creative process while instilling a sense of relaxation and regeneration. Life, after all, is art!
However, in this society we often get indulgence confused with a kind of “taking care of ourselves” that goes way beyond what is necessary in the moment. Kristin Neff, Ph.D, a psychologist and author of Self-Compassion (2011), explains self-indulgence as any activity that has long-term negative consequences to our health and well-being: “I’m stressed out today so to be kind to myself I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice cream!” Giving into immediate gratifications, like overeating, doing drugs, or simply being a couch potato, are just some of the ways we think we are being good to ourselves when in fact we are contributing to our pain.

I would like to add that another aspect of self-indulgence is giving into our fears, many of which are not grounded in actuality but are instead, rooted in our unprocessed pain. These often come in the form of our security, self-esteem, or autonomy issues, like worrying that we might not have enough, ruminating that we aren’t of value, or expending lots of energy defending ourselves against the environment. These existential fears, though worthy of our attention, can consume us to the point of excluding other nourishing experiences. When this happens we could say that we are involved in self-pity, which is also different from self-compassion.

So what is self-compassion? Self-compassion is cultivating a kind and gentle approach to our everyday suffering, whatever form it currently takes, but especially to our core, existential fears. As Dr. Neff further explains: “Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life’s difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.”

When we are mindful of the truth of our reality, we begin to experience our common humanity, which is to say, we begin to see and empathize with the fact that we are all suffering because reality constrains us all! This, then, allows us to extend our loving-kindness to others. And in this day and age of consumerism and the toll it takes on us especially during the holiday season, extending compassion may be more valuable than the next, expensive gift.

For more information on Dr. Kristin Neff, please visit her website: www.self-compassion.org